Representative Louie Gohmert (R-Texas) has asked U.S. Forest Service officials if they can alter the orbits of the earth in order to combat climate change. I would speculate that it might be possible. After all, the 80-year war on drugs has eliminated drug abuse and the signing of the treaty ending LBJ’s 57-year long war on poverty will be an event worth celebrating. Government managed correctly, unlike the Democrats do it according to Republicans, has always come through.

Here is how I would do it: Turn the windmills around and power them with solar panels. If that doesn’t work, we could put a moratorium on driving electric cars to free up more power. If that still doesn’t work, we could ask Elon Musk to take a rope made of hemp fiber (a rope made from fossil fuels would counteract our efforts) to Mars and winch Earth around a bit. Maybe while we are at it we could eliminate the tilt so all Earth’s inhabitants could have an equitable shot at overcoming disadvantages of being different from one another.

Of course there will be the deniers. We need to marginalize them by using words such as “unproven” or “unsubstantiated” whenever they say some ridiculously unbelievable thing like “lab escape.”

We should take heart that there are people on our side while we face catastrophic events that come to light each time our government has succeeded in fighting the previous one. Just think if we hadn’t avoided the certain cataclysm of Saddam’s WMDs.

President Joe Biden is restoring criminal penalties for the accidental killing of migratory birds. Maybe turning those windmills around will suck all those dead birds back to life. Calling Dr. Frankenstein! It will be like Rogaine made for heart health, then a boon to the shampoo industry.

Wildlife researchers have estimated 1.4 million bird deaths if the 2008 windpower target is met. That will have to be updated to reflect Biden’s offshore expansion plans. Carrion eaters at sea, congratulations! Windmills get a bad rap here though. Window crashes account for 600 million dead birds per year. Do we hunt down a pickpocket and ignore Bernie Madoff? Do we hunt down Bernie Madoff and ignore Social Security?

Dawn has saved about 10 birds who were stunned by hitting our windows. Sometimes they come to and fly off if saved from opportunistic dogs and cats. But the number of dead must be far higher. We don’t sit around the house listening for bird strikes. Should we turn ourselves in? Does Andersen have some culpability?

What an opportunity. New technology with a little help could save 600 million birds. A whole new industry could be created putting siding over windows and installing cameras and TV screens simulating the view outside. The TVs could even create an illusion that we are not home, but somewhere else. Grab your hunting gear or swimming trunks.

Save the birds!