Let’s all celebrate the end of hunger in America. It is quite a milestone after an eighty year struggle beginning with The New Deal.
The evidence of this great victory was in the news last week. The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is proposing a change in federally mandated food labels that would emphasize calories, so we can limit our intake of them.
The President’s wife has taken a keen interest in the obesity epidemic, much to her credit. It is not just compassion for her fellow Americans that drives this interest. She must be concerned for the success of the Affordable Care Act as well. Healthy people are what make socialized medicine work.
As a patriotic American, I have some suggestions as to how we might nip unhealthy habits in the bud. I had a little negative feedback when I speculated Edward Snowden was a hero for exposing our lack of privacy at the hands of the federal government. With calories now a poison and the dire need for healthy premium investors, it may be time to launch an all-out health initiative, the Eternal Health Act (EHA).
Since this all started with the new food label, let’s get right to vitamin D, a new item on the label. There is no need for vitamin D intake for animals exposed to sunlight. The EHA will require every vehicle have a sunroof. We will have computer keyboards and other electronic devices monitored at a central database and in conjunction with health monitoring chips embedded in every American, they will cease operation if the citizen spends an unhealthy amount of time planted at them. Sunbathing will, of course, be balanced with darkness to limit the chance of skin cancer. This can be done with a remote controlled parasol if the citizen doesn’t respond to the warning shock. When this is up and running we can eliminate the vitamin D column on the food labels.
Ah, but wait. If we can eliminate that one column through modern science, why not the whole label? No need to ask questions. The science is settled. With the help of the NSA (National Security Agency) and private/ governmental alliances, it seems well within our blessed government’s power to regulate the dietary intake and exercise of every American.
When I first thought of this issue, I thought of having monitors watching us shop, maybe with scales and tape measures, fishing through our shopping carts. But I am always underestimating the speed of technological advances. I’m sure we can skip all that by fine tuning existing technology. The chips will detect all calories in and out. Even avid bike riders like my son, Hans, will be treated fairly as they work off those calories. An extra Snickers bar won’t trigger the shock alarm; in fact it could be rewarded with a pleasure pop. Bike riders and joggers could even be recruited to sneak around watching for black market junk food dealers, being so quiet and all.
Of course it will be necessary to monitor septic systems and plumbing to detect spikes in flow rate which could lead to the arrest of people trying to circumvent the EHA. The motion fitness team will also watch back alleys for traitors avoiding these systems.
Make no mistake. These EHA violators are traitors. An unfit populous spending society’s wealth on medicine instead of weapons sets us up for a takeover by Russians or Islamic extremists. We wouldn’t want to have to learn Russian or obey Sharia Law, would we?
Michelle Obama and Steve King could partner as mentor and enforcer in a bi-partisan force for good, on the road to a truly healthy and secure America.
note: Steve King is our “constitutional conservative” representative in Washington